Here’s a Funny Thing I Wrote Awhile Ago and It Isn’t Terrible

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Kitty prefers vinyl

Do you need quality used items at bargain prices, but don’t have time to thoroughly scan the Craigslist ads? Many busy hipsters like you can no longer give Craigslistery the focus that it requires, what with your Angry Bird-playing-days and Duck Dynasty-watching nights. This is understandable. Please allow me to recommend my Craigslist searching service for your consideration. The Thrifty Lass – that’s me! – stands ready to assist!

And I know what I’m doing here. Currently, I peruse Craigslist for a minimum of 4 hours per day, much of it while “working.” I am an experienced Craigslist reviewer, covering areas as diverse as Furniture, Furniture-By Dealer, and Furniture-By Owner, so I already know that this vocation is a great fit for me. As my 74-year-old mother says, “I guess it’s better than welfare.”

I have a long history with Craigslist. Once, after seven email conversations with the item’s owner over a period of four days, I came close to actually purchasing an original, reproduction Kit-Kat clock. (There are so many things to ask. Do the eyes still oscillate? What is the precise length of the tail? Is the clock electric or battery operated because I know for a fact that the battery-powered ones are not as valuable.)

Eventually, I did have to flag the post as Miscategorized, after which the owner stopped all correspondence with me. Sellers can be so difficult.

Since you may be unable to secure the services of a Craigslist Searching Professional, I would like to offer some free tips, which you may use in your own searching. In my business, we refer to this as Giving Back to the Internet Community. Because that’s how we do.

Tip #1 – You must speak the Craigslist language. To better serve you, I have assembled some frequently used Craigslist Keywords:

Quaint = Stained with cat pee.

Could use a bit of Lemon Pledge =  Owner’s free-range hamster, Ingrid, has so scratched the formerly stunning quarter-sawn oak table top that it now resembles a Jackson Pollock painting.

Must see! = Soon to be relocated to curb.

FREE = Owner needs some strong dudes to move the 300-pound entertainment center from its current location in his second-story living room to Some Other Place. Also, he cannot help you haul it from its current location to the bed of your 1978 El Camino.

GOD BLESS THE USA (as post tagline) = Check the dresser drawers for concealed handguns before you load it up.

Make offer = Seller’s “too good for a state school” daughter starts college in the fall and he needs to DIY her room into a rentable space, pronto.

Will meet at Starbucks on Oak Street during daylight hours = Attention axe murderers: your check is good with me…during the daytime.

ANY DESCRIPTION IN ALL CAPS = I am a dealer posing as an owner.

Pinterest Project!!! – I’ve had way too much coffee and decided to sell all the secondhand furniture I bought on a whim before that vintage-y place closed and became a yogurt shop. Also, I could sure go for a pint of Vanilla Bean!

Need cash = needs cash.

Interesting table = Pier One had a glut of these two years ago and I snagged six of them for my deck when they were still giving out store credit cards like Skittles.

sHabBy cHiC = Owner went to town with a piece of 80-grit sandpaper on a dated French Provincial dresser and now wants twice as much as she paid for it.

Chester Drawers, Arm-war, Rot Iron Patio Set, Duncan 5 table or Barney Phyfe chairs = Seller’s Great-Aunt Hester saw the same exact thing on Storage Wars last week and thinks its valuable; prepare to overpay.

3 chairs = Seller has young children who dragged the 4th chair to the blow-up swimming pool in the backyard and turned the hose on it while Mommy was talking to the air conditioner repairman.

Tip #2 – See Tip #1.

Note: It seems only fair to tell you that if I find a bargain, and it’s something I need, I will be purchasing it for myself.  Also, I dislike looking at ads for things that do not interest me, even if they fall into the Furniture subcategories. I like to manage expectations right up front.

Pay is negotiable.